The rant of a sleep-deprived mama

Sooooooo....I'm crap at keeping this blog updated.  I go onto all these other mommy blogs and they are just so well put together and have hundreds of followers and I'm like...hm...how can I do that?  How do these moms get the inspiration and energy to do it?  I'm not tooting my own horn here but I used to be a great writer.  As a teen I was always writing little pieces of fiction and lots of tortured poetry that could only have been written by a angst-ridden teenage girl with lots of unrequited love.  Then throughout college I had to switch gears and write about real life topics, non-fiction type pieces.  So I'm trying to get back to that creative writing part of my brain and I feel like I'm flailing (and failing..).  Thing is...I'm am just sooo tired.  Jonah who just turned  6 months today is a poor, poor sleeper.  I'm just going to lay it all out right here and now.  It sucks and it doesn't seem fair.  I know, I know....trust me I know.  It could be A LOT worse.  I am thankful that he is otherwise healthy and happy and developing normally.  But...when you are living on edge all day long because you never know what to expect---one good nap and the nothing the rest of the day?  No naps?  Two one-hour naps?  One short nap and then one really long, shockingly long nap?  And then there's the night....oh holy night...The longest I can get out of him is 4 hours.  Then most of the time after at least one of his night wakings he wants to stay awake and I'm trying to jiggle my legs and pinch my skin just to stay awake and feed him.  It SUCKS!  It sucks because if sleep wasn't absolutely necessary, if it was somewhat negotiable I'd be okay.  I'd watch movies and catch up on my pile or library reading while he played.  But the fact of the matter is that we both need sleep.  I'm an awful mother without it and he can't develop healthfully without it.  Some days I just don't think I can rock and soothe anymore.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I have to remind myself this isn't normal although it has become normalized to me over the past 6 months.  I feel like I am being overly selfish if I expect him to only wake up once or even just twice in the night and to take two good naps every day but then from what I hear...hmmm...ah yes it normal.  It's what "normal" babies do for the most part at this age.  Oy. I could go on but I need to try and catch a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's.  I'm sorry if I sound selfish to be complaining about this but I am just so tired.  I just want to know when I can expect to sleep.

Middle Path Parenting

For some reason or another I have happened upon many articles and blogs recently regarding attachment parenting and the other kinds of beliefs usually associated with this kind of philosphy.  Having learned a little bit about Buddhism and finding it to apply to  many aspects of my life I have decided to start a new movement called The Middle Path Parenting, henceforth referred to as MPP.  When Siddhartha was growing up he had all that he wanted and partook in everything he desired.  As he left his kingdom to find answers to some questions ( I know I am paraphrasing the story of the Buddha very poorly) he chooses to become an ascetic monk, denying any and all earthly pleasures.  He realized in the end that neither way was good and founded a middle path - one which realized too much was too much and too little was too little basically.  Okay, so maybe I'm not an expert of Buddhism but that is how I quickly interpreted the story and boxed it up in my brain to inform some of my actions.  What does this mean for my parenting?  Well it means I breastfeed for probably as long as my baby wants (although I do have an age I think is personally too old), I cloth diaper during the day and use disposables at night, I have let my children cry it out sometimes because it has honestly been my best option at times, I don't serve all organic to my children because it is not financially possible but I choose the foods the "experts" say are most important to eat organic, I use time-outs and natural consequences, I do not co-sleep but have the baby's bed in our room (only because we have no other bedrooms!), I do let my 2 yr old still have a paci at nighttime and sometimes she eats a kids meal from a fast food restaurant.  I vaccinate but still choose to get second opinions for some things my pediatrician says.  This is just me.  Some things put me in the ballpark of attachment parenting whereas others put me more along with the "mainstream" (whatever that means.)  I know not every MPP will parent this way but the common thread will be that they do not adhere so strictly to a set of guidelines or parent out of guilt.  They'll do what works for them and what doesn't work--well sometimes they'll still do it because it is still the best or only option at the moment and hey, let's admit that the majority of us probably do as best as we can given the circumstances we are facing.  Whenever I feel guilty about not being a good enough mother I think about Einsten, the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Bill Gates, Marthin Luther King Jr. and all the other greats out there and I am 100% sure their mothers all parented differently (I'm almost just as sure that most were probably not followers of attachment parenting...)  They all did the best they could.  That is what mattered.  Your best may be wearing your baby all day. Well, mine is popping in an Elmo DVD for my 2 yr old and letting my infant play under the playmat for several minutes while I get some me time. 

The Kind of Mother...

Here's a list of the kind of mother I never thought I'd be starting off with the positives:

Extended breastfeeding--I nursed Sofia until a few months after I got pregnant with Jonah so she'd have been about 20 months when she pretty much weaned herself which is common during a pregnancy.  Before I was pregnant and even when I was pregnant I always imagined that once the baby got teeth I would be quitting that in a hot second.  Glad I didn't.  Sofia has been amazingly healthy with only 2-3 colds in her entire 2 1/2 years and one bout of roseola.  And now new studies say that it is linked to higher academic success particularly in boys.

Cloth Diapering--Now before I get all holier than thou--I haven't actually started doing this yet but I am contemplating it after 2 1/2 years of secretly being annoyed by those mothers who do cloth diaper.  (I saw them as too granola-y and what not...) I am considering it now because since we've potty trained Sofia I see how much money we're saving on diapers and would like to do the same with Jonah.  I'll check back in on this one later.

Enjoying being a SAHM.  I never, never, never, never, never, never thought I would be a stay at home mom.  And technically I'm not a full time SAHM because I work 6-8 hours a week but I think I'm home enough to earn that title anyways.  I always imagined I'd be a working mother and again secretly looked down on SAHM thinking they were smothering their kids or just down right annoying and holier than thou.  But I can see that it does work best for the kids.  No daycare = fewer illnesses.  Better bonding.  I know what is happening with my kids at all times and know they are in a safe and trusting environment.  Now it does strain us financially especially since I am the one with the graduate degree.  I do plan on looking for more hours and a 3/4 time job (25-30 hours) when Jonah is closer to a year because while I love my kids I do need to whittle down that heavy student loan debt I incurred and I'd like to pursue my other passions such as humanitarian work.

Now on to some of the negatives:

Too much T.V.  I said I would NEVER put my kid in front of the T.V. for more than 30 minutes or so.  But yeah, then I got pregnant, had horrible morning sickness and Elmo took care of Sofia for me while I lay on the couch in misery for 4 months.  Ever since then it's all gone down hill and yes, I admit there are times when I"m trying to take care of Jonah's needs or do something around the house and I just tell Sofia to stop bugging me and watch T.V. Shock and horror!!!!!

McDonalds.  Yes, Sofia has had a happy meal (or 2 or 5....)  'Nough said.

Girly-ness.  I encourage and have fed into Sofia's princess obsession.  I always thought I'd make my little girl a hardcore feminist but dammit---I love putting her in cute, frilly, cute little clothes.

There.  That's my confessioin.  I guess none of us can be the mother we always planned on being because the reality of motherhood combined with our life's circumstances and our personalities lead us astray from that dream.  And that's ok.

That's my daughter

So today Sofia started ballet class. Many a mom has pictured her sweet little angel all dressed up in tutu and pink slippers, hair swishing around in a high pony tail. What they usually don't picture is a screaming, full-blown tantrum throwing toddler derobing herself and refusing to enter the studio, repeating "fwim, fwim (swim, swim)". Well that's because that's my daughter. It all went down hill way before we even got in the car to go to class. For some reason she has an aversion to socks and since we were required to put tights on her she was especially peeved that she could not do her usual sit down, look up deviously, pull and remove shtick. So we began our journey already screaming. Lovely. My mom and I just sighed and continued on, wondering silently to ourselves why we adhere to such masochistic behavior. The entire car ride consisted of "No socks, no socks, no socks!" while poor, innocent baby Jonah slept away in the car seat. When we got to class there was no introductions, no "let's look all the things in the room--this is a bar, this is the mirror, these are tap shoes" etc. It was let's jump right in and start doing arabesques, toe taps and piourettes. All that with a group of 2 1/2 year olds. Odd, no one lept up showing the promise of a future Black Swan. The teacher seemed nice and very patient but Sofia wanted NOTHING to do with that class. She was still a bit hung up on her tights but now she had moved on to something more disconcerning to her little brain. The last time she remembered being at the rec center was for swim class like 6 months ago! Who knew the kid had such a great memory. Well she does and it resulted in a continuous cry of "fwim, fwim" (swim, swim). She did not want to do any of the moves and was just so confused and mad because she was not swimming. (Funny, I recall those last few swim sessions---she wanted nothing to do with those either.) I tried to maintain some distance and then she ran out of the class so my mom went in with her. No change. They both came back out and after crying in my arms for a while she let me lead her back in there. She did one arabesque-ish move and then it was time to sit in a circle. Need I say more? Right, mine was the only one running around not listening. As a side note---there were many other times where she was not the only one running around and not listening so it was nice to know these other kids were not super freaky robot 2 yr olds who did everything they were told. Next--tap..oh, no...it didn't matter how cool the tap sounded on the wood floor, Sofia refused to put those on and ran around sliding and falling on the floor. Finally, after several no-pressure offers to put them on she did and I think she realized how cool they really were. The class, being only 30 minutes long was finally over and guess what? Yep, she didn't want to take off the tap shoes and leave. Oy. This post is starting to sound like I'm bragging about how naughty my daughter is. It's not. I'm not proud. I'm befuddled. Well there it is. Oh and I'll end on a funny note---which may only be humorous if you were there today and saw her---there will be a recital in March. A recital. Ha!

Do I just look fat?

I've been waiting forever to start this blog. Inspiration has been laying dormant in the recesses of my mind but by the time I put Sofia down for bed, eat and check my email I'm too tired to reach back there and pull something out. Don't really know where to start with this thing. I don't know much about this blogging thing. Is my first post supposed to be an introduction to me? Trust me...there ain't much to say or know. So let me just write about something that has intrigued and somewhat saddened me. I am 8 months pregnant (due October 10th but I'm convinced the doctors are at least 2 weeks off and I really only have like 5 weeks left.) When I was pregnant with my daughter Sofia who turned 2 in July I was showered with comments and compliments and congratulations and questions. Do you know what you're having? When are you due? You are such a beautiful pregnant woman! You are definitely having a boy, I know (they didn't obviously know and they were very wrong.) Doors were opened for me, I was given reduced price hot chocolate at the cafe all the time, people smiled at me after getting a glance of my baby belly. Now, I have literally only had one stranger comment on my pregnancy. This leaves me to ask myself--do I just look fat? Do they see me with my 2 yr old and secretly thing, "Gee, time to lose that baby weight now mum, no?" Or do they see me with my 2 yr old and think-"Well maybe with the first she didn't know what she was getting into but now that she's pregnant with another she deserves no sympathy because she should know exactly what she's getting into"? Am I the only mama pregnant with #2 or 3 or 4 who is noticing this? I mean, I'm not walking around with an empty jar inside labeled "Compliments and comments about my impending bundle of joy please" but it is curious. Ok, well that is my first post. Enjoy.